As a matter of self-respect, I had not intended to watch any of the Democratic Criminal Convention. Nevertheless, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I got sucked into tuning into it the first night because I couldn’t resist the prospect of Bernie Sanders’s supporters causing a riot on the convention floor.

As it turned out, they did a little booing here and there, but, in the end, they were either silenced or thrown out by party henchmen. Worse, the once-revered Comrade Bernie ended up enthusiastically supporting the very person whose honesty and integrity he had been questioning for a year. Give the Dirty Dems credit for one thing, they stick together regardless of how big the lies, how bad the crimes, or how many loyalists they have to throw over the cliff to protect the party elites.

The only two speeches I listened to in their entirety on day one were those by Pocahontas and Cory Booker, and I found both of them to be absolutely breathtaking. It was like watching two escapees from a nearby insane asylum. I was comforted by the fact that JFK didn’t live to see the deranged miscreants who have taken over his beloved Democratic Party.

Clearly, Booker had visions of being seen as the new Barackus Hussein Obama, who, as you will recall, simultaneously fooled and thrilled the crowd at the 2004 Democratic National Convention when he gave his keynote address. Though any Dirty Dem worth his arsenic will tell you how fabulous Booker’s speech was, the sobering reality is that the Obama shtick didn’t work this time around. Booker’s incoherent babbling was a strange mish-mash about tolerance, unity, love, blah … blah … blah.

It was both disgusting and humorous coming from a man who belongs to a political party that thrives on hate and deception. But his incoherency was not the worst thing about his speech. First off, I had the same question about it as Sheriff Clarke: “What’s he so angry about?” I mean, the man shrieked and yelled at the top of his lungs from start to finish.

And while admonishing millions of television viewers to “love everyone” (It was like something right out of Woodstock!), he hypocritically called Donald Trump the most vile names imaginable and repeatedly referred to him as an individual who hates everyone.

He also made numerous allegations against Trump (con artist, cheat, etc.), stating them as though they were proven facts and that everyone was in agreement with his allegations. But, of course, they were not. His accusations were, as far as I could tell, pure B.S. But, then, the Dirty Dems have never been all that concerned with facts.

All this while doing a bad imitation of that other famous orator, Snake Cruz, by slapping his heart with his right hand several times a minute. (If you saw the speech, you know I’m not exaggerating.) I thought the poor guy was going to injure himself.

I have no idea what slapping his heart was all about (self-hatred?), but it came across as very weird. The Dirty Dems, of course, thought Booker’s “speech” was beyond wonderful, and comparison’s to Barack Obama and his stealth 2004 DNC speech began immediately.

In fairness to Booker, Pocahontas, the loudest mental dwarf on the planet, was even more of a raving maniac than he was — far more, in fact — and therefore not even worth my time to write about. That said, I’ll move on to more important matters.

I’m happy to be able to say that I kept my dignity and didn’t watch a minute of the world’s largest gathering of haters and organized-crime figures on nights two, three, and four — with one exception. On night four, I did watch Chelsea Clinton speak, because I had never seen her open her mouth before. Call it morbid curiosity, but I was interested in hearing what the daughter of the Face of Evil would say about her.

I don’t really have anything negative to say about Chelsea, but I must admit that I found her to be rather boring. Which is fine, because being boring is not a crime. As would be expected, she painted the Face of Evil as a caring and loving mother and grandmother, which she very well may be. After all, even the most notorious organized-crime bosses have generally been loving fathers and husbands.

I watched until Hillary waddled out in her white pants suit and hugged Chelsea, then I clicked off the television and went to sleep.

Since then, I’ve seen a number of clips in which the Face of Evil blasts Trump without having to actually face him. She also does not risk doing press conferences, which allows her to avoid being asked about her crimes or incompetent actions. She does do occasional one-on-one interviews with fake journalists like supporter George Stephanopoulos or liberal showbiz people. And, of course, she has been running millions of dollars’ worth of ads in which she portrays Trump as the Antichrist.

Yet, all her clever efforts notwithstanding, Hillary the Horrible hasn’t been able to gain ground on Trump in the polls. It tempts one to believe that Americans are finally coming out of their lifelong hibernations and are actually taking note of Hillary’s crimes, her lies, and her deceitfulness.

One last note. I find it just a bit humorous that Der Fuhrbama says that the Face of Evil is the most qualified person ever to run for president. Given that he himself is by far the least qualified person ever to run for president, how in the world is he in a position to judge? Let’s get real here and admit that the only reason the world’s most famous community organizer was able to win the presidency was because he was part black. Period. He had zero credentials, but a ton of bad stuff in his background.

To this day, I am amazed that at least half the population takes him seriously as a president. That’s the half that apparently has not read anything about his upbringing, his college days, his short-lived work career, and his years as a community organizer. The media has done a superb job of ignoring everything about his mysterious past.

But let’s get back to Horrible Hillary. Most of the other sixteen candidates in the Republican field could have beaten her quite easily, but Mr. Trump seems determined to make it a nail-biter. Be careful, Donald. You know what they say about wrestling with pigs.

C’mon, DT, stop the silly stuff and get this thing over with so the Face of Evil can be put out to pasture. I’ll even tell you the quickest way to do it:

First, forget the name calling (other than “Crooked Hillary,” of course) and relentlessly pound away at the 1,287 criminal acts and incompetent things Hillary has done.

Second, contact me and I’ll give you the answers to the four big issues you are still not explaining correctly to the American public. These include:

• Your bankruptcies.
• Trump University.
• Your tax returns.
• And, silliest of all, the Dirty Dems’ narrative that you’re a “dangerous man.”

All these can easily be turned into positives, and it’s beyond me why no one on your team has yet figured out how to do that. Someone had better wake up.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see the Face of Evil riding off into the sunset with Debbie Wasserman-Shits in search of the perfect place to set up housekeeping together? What a fine looking couple they’d make.